Life After Death.

I don’t know if you’ve ever been to a funeral. I had been expecting Ben’s funeral to be very serious and gloomy, but it was not like that at all. It was a bright and sunny day – not at all like what a funeral was supposed to be like. We all said our last goodbyes to our dear sweet Ben, and Mr Henderson said something that really made us feel a bit better.
“Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God.”

I think Mr Henderson means that people like Ben, who are so innocent and sweet and who has not learnt the bad part of human nature, will be happy when they leave this world, because they will go to Heaven and be happy with God. When we heard what Mr Henderson said, we all felt better because we knew that our dear Ben is happy with God in Heaven...

We started to try and get back to our normal lives. Sometimes, I start to feel a bit better and then suddenly I will feel guilty about the fact that I am not feeling sad that Ben is gone... =( What’s wrong with me?

It was very hard for us to look at Ben’s clothes and toys after he passed away. They reminded us so much of him.. However, one day, we took out all his clothes and toys and decided to donate them to charity. I think he would have wanted us to do that – he would have wanted us to help other unfortunate childeren just like himself...

One day at work... I met a little girl... Oh dear.. how she reminds me of Ben!
Her name is Jackie. She has Down’s Syndrome, so she does not learn things as quickly as normal children. But she is lovely. I like her, and I like her mother too.

Guess what? Her mother offered to employ me as a babysitter for Jackie! I am going to love Jackie the same way I love Ben. I promise...

Yours Always,Anna

Pain

A day had passed. 2 minutes ago, I walked past his room on the way to my own room Still, it feels almost unreal. I have to keep telling myself that it is true, because for some reason, a part of me refuses to believe the truth. And every time I have to tell myself that Ben is dead and gone forever, my heart breaks all over again and my world comes crashing down.

Yes. Ben, my lovely Ben… Benedict – He who is blessed, is dead.

The poor child has always been a weak baby. He suffered so much when he gets sick. It’s the problem with his breathing. He can’t breathe properly when he is sick with flu. Whenever he got sick, it took him so long to recover each time.

The night before he got sick, he was trying to play with me. I thought he looked so cute and lovable. I didn’t play with him for very long, though. If only… OH IF ONLY I HAD KNOWN! I would have played with him forever!!! As long as he wanted and as long as he could play with me…

I heard him crying and whining in pain during the night. I was sick with flu myself, and the medicine I took made me go to sleep. When I woke up in the morning, Ben was dead.

Gone. Forever.

I did not cry when I found out he was dead. I could not. All I could feel was a numb pain. All I could focus on was that pain caused by the thought that I will never again hear that sweet laughter or see that adorable grin. Ben will never kiss me again. Ben will never play with me again.

It was not until I went into his room to open the window - the way he liked it so that he could see the birds outside – and kissed him, and said goodbye to him, that I started to cry. And when I started to cry, I could not stop. I cried until I had no more tears left to cry…

Anna

NEW JOB!!!

I thought it would be good to try and get a part-time job. After all, I can then earn some money so I can buy nice clothes with my own money instead of having to ask money from my parents.

Well, I did NOT get that cashier job at the supermarket that I was hoping for… L

BUT! Dear, sweet Mrs. Chapman… <3 <3 <3
She offered me a job at her shop! Basically, I just need to help Mrs. Chapman collect money from her customers when they buy things. Mrs. Chapman told me that she offered me the job so that she can relax once in awhile, but somehow, I know that she gave me the job because she really wants to help me…

Working is NOT easy. I had to learn so many things. For example, I have to know where everything is placed so that I can tell the customers where to look for things.

Also, * the most difficult thing about working * - is that I have to deal with so many different kinds of people. Some of these people seem to be quite “strange” and I am not always very happy to be dealing with them…

However, I am VERY glad to be working at Mrs. Chapman’s shop. It is not only because I get to earn some pocket money, I am happy, mostly because I feel that I get to meet all kinds of people I have never met before. Can you imagine how exciting it is, to be learning about the different kinds of people in this world?

For example, there was a very rich lady who stole a very cheap pen from Mrs. Chapman’s store today! I saw her! I was wondering why a rich person would do that… Then, Mrs. Chapman told me that these people steal things just for the excitement.

I think it’s sad. These people are pitiful. Their lives are so meaningless that they have to resort to stealing just so that they can feel excited…

Yours Always (and lovingly),
Anna Peacock

Changes in my life.

Remember how I said that I was fine with M liking Tony? Well, I still don’t hate her, of course, but she’s really starting to get on my nerves. “Why?” - you may ask. Well, I’m getting seriously sick of the way she keeps on talking on and on non-stop about Tony all the time! Seriously, sometimes I cannot stand the way she will talk about how she will try to find opportunities to meet Tony alone. She even said she wanted to invite him to her house! And… AND… the part I’m most irritated about is that she is STILL flirting around with boys even though she says she is in love with Tony!!! I have not been hanging out with her so often now. Still, I can honestly say that it’s not jealousy that I’m feeling. It’s just… irritating to hear her talk like that, you know?

Now, I have to stop my ranting for a bit and thank all of you lovely people for giving me advice over the past few weeks. You girls and dudes have really helped me a lot and I really appreciate your comments. You comfort me and help me through the times when I am feeling stressed. HERE’S A BIG THANK YOU TO ALL!!! *Hugs*

Because of your advice, I managed to understand the situation my Mom is in. I realise that I have not been very fair to her by blaming her for everything. After all, she is also feeling stressed over having to take care of Ben too.

A few days ago, Katy had her 10th birthday. At first, Mom had no time and energy to organize a birthday party for her and Katy was very angry. They had a quarrel and I was about to take Katy’s side when I suddenly realised that Mom was looking extremely stressed out and tired. At that moment, I suddenly understood that it must have been really tiring to take care of Ben, and I pitied her. So, I offered to be the one to organize Katy’s birthday party.

Oh, I forgot to mention that I get along better with Katy now. I used to think she was irritating and childish. She is not exactly very mature yet, but she has stopped acting like a baby. I’m not so irritated by her now and I quite like it when sometimes, we spend some time with each other. Occasionally, we still quarrel, but as compared to the past, I think that I like Katy a lot more and we are much closer to each other now.

Yours Hopefully,
Anna.

Things keep getting worse.

Mr Henderson came by to visit today. He’s the priest in our local church. You might be wondering why he would come to visit our family. Well, it turns out that he was wondering if I would like to join the Youth Club…

Hahahahahah!!! Can you believe it? Me?! I did go to a Youth Club once, long ago but I stopped. What makes him think I would like to go to another Youth Club? Oh well… I DO like Mr Henderson… He’s the sort of nice, old man that you just feel like respecting… Since I like and respect him, I said “yes”, of course.

I thought I would not like Youth Club at first, but I was wrong ~

It was quite fun actually. Other than talking and laughing with one another, we play games like table tennis and sometime, we throw darts. I made some friends. One of them is a girl named Diana. She’s nice and I really like her.

Now, the interesting bit is coming… The other friend I made at Youth Club is called Jeff. He has this nice, funny, bouncy way of walking and he has curly, blond hair. He always has a cheeky grin too, and he’s forever saying and doing funny things to make everybody laugh. Somehow, I think he likes me… He’s always trying to ‘arrange’ it so that we will end up playing table tennis together.

Well… that was what I thought until one horrible day…

I received a message from Mr Henderson saying that Jeff wanted to meet me at the train station.
I thought it was a date!!! I was feeling so excited and happy!
However… However… it was all a horrible mistake! Mr Henderson heard wrongly! Jeff did not ask to meet me at all! *cries*
When I got to the train station, I saw Diana coming to meet Jeff. It turns out that Jeff had asked Diana to help him with a Garage Sale project. All the same, I was feeling embarrassed for thinking that Jeff wanted to date me…

I DID learn a lesson from this incident though… I realised that if I can be attracted to Jeff, then maybe… I am not in love with Tony after all…


Yours Always,
Anna

My Life is a Downward Spiral.

Well, I know it’s been awhile since I’ve last posted. It’s just that I’ve started school and we all know that the beginning of the school term is always busy.

Ben’s been very ill. Mom had to take him to the hospital again. He had been in there so many times. There was once when he was admitted into hospital so they could put in a special equipment to take some of the fluid out of his head. Apparently, it was not possible to take out all of the fluid. He had also been admitted because he gets so sick, so easily. Normally, illnesses such as a cold, that other babies would have recovered from easily, would make Ben suffer a lot and he would take a long time to recover. It frightens me whenever he gets a cold. It’s so hard for him to breathe and my heart breaks when I see him fighting for breath.

Sometimes, I think my family is going to fall apart, if my parents are not careful. To be honest, my family life these past couple of months has been really awful. Recently, mom has been talking on the phone to Aunt Janice and many times, I’ve heard her complaining about Dad. She always stops when she sees me listening.

Ever since Dad got the job that requires him to regularly travel overseas, we haven’t been seeing him at home much. Whenever he comes home now, he’s always so serious. He will never joke around with us like he used to and I blame Mom for it. It’s ALL her fault. Whenever he starts to joke with us, she will look at him angrily and say sarcastic things like,

“No wonder you’re always in a good mood. After all, you’re not the one who has to be stuck at home taking care of a sick kid and with no one to talk to.”

Can you believe that? Poor dad will then stop smiling, and look guilty and irritated. Can you blame him? And I’m so insulted! She said she has no one to talk to. What am I? Am I a Nobody?!?! And I’m irritated by the way she complains to Aunt Janice about Dad. When I grow up, I’m never going to talk bad about people behind their backs. It’s just not right!


Worried and Irritated,
Anna Peacock.

Oh No... No no no no no......!!!

Life can really be very hard sometimes.

I had gotten to be quite good friends with M over the past few months. It helps that she truly loves Ben. I mean, she loves him for who he is, not in the way that D is interested in him like he's some kind of experiment...

The other day, M came over to my place. It was a little surprising to see her without makeup. She looks so different... sort of, younger and easier to talk to.

I learnt a little bit more about M today. It turns out that she has quite an awful family life. Apparently, her parents quarrel with each other all the time and her mother actually told her that she wished that she had not given birth to M!!! Can you believe that?! I mean, it has GOT to be TERRIBLE to hear that from your own mother.

When M was cuddling Ben and telling him how much she loves him and how she is going to have lots of babies when she grows up, and love them with all her heart, I suddenly realised something - M has never been loved at all by her parents. I think she's always hanging around with boys because she wants any kind of love that she can get, even if it is not REAL love. I'm starting to understand why M behaves like a flirt...

Are you ready for the huge bomb that is going to come next? Well, get ready : M LIKES TONY TOO!!!!! She told me!!!

Yeah... I feel like my heart has just dropped down to the bottom of my stomach. There is no way I can have a chance with Tony now. M is so much better with boys as compared with me. If she decides to chase Tony, she will definitely win. Although I was disappointed, M is still my friend after all. I don't hate her at all for liking Tony.

I did take Ben away from her so that I could feed him his milk myself. It doesn't matter too much if she likes Tony. Nobody will ever take Ben away from me. He is MY brother!


Heartbrokenly,
Anna.

Summer holiday, and my fluttering heart...

Finally, the summer holidays are here. Ben is now 2 years old and I love him more and more each day. Life is quite good, and I’m feeling happy these days.

The only thing that irritates me is Katy. She’s being so fussy and childish. She thinks that we can go away on holiday like we used to before Ben was born. How can that silly child think that way?! I mean, how can we travel for long distances when Ben’s health is so weak? What if he gets sick on the way and there was no clinic nearby?

Dad offered to let us take up some courses so that we would have something to do during the summer holiday. I decided to take up a tennis class. I mean, I’m not bad at tennis, so maybe the class can let me improve some more? =)

It’s that irritating Katy who is making things soooooooo difficult!!! >:O She’s angry that she cannot go on holiday, so she’s purposely refusing all the classes that Dad offered to let her take. In the end, when Dad told her that she would be stuck doing nothing at all for 3 whole months, she got scared and decided that she wanted to follow me and take tennis lessons. Irritating copycat! Now, I will have to take care of her during lessons!

One good thing happened during tennis lessons~ One day, when I was having a tennis lesson, I saw a boy playing tennis in the next court. He’s so… special… It helps that he’s not too bad looking… ~ ~ ~ He’s got the nicest looking eyes I have ever seen. He’s tall, tanned and he has nice, dark hair. His name is Tony. I got to know it because he was a friend of Miranda’s friend. I can tell that Miranda likes him too. Hmm…

I hope I see him again next week at the tennis courts…


Cheers,
Anna-Susanna

D came over today

Today, I asked D if she wanted to come over to my house after school. After not being my best friend for so long, I thought at first that she would refuse. However, she seemed so eager and accepted my offer. Somehow, I sort of suspect that it was because she was only interested in seeing what Ben - the baby with the big, deformed head, looks like.

It was almost too embarrassing though. When we walked in the door, we met Mom looking all sloppy in her old slippers and messy hair. That afternoon, I suddenly realised that Mom had changed A LOT over the years. She probably can't take care of her appearance, now that she has to spend all her time taking care of Ben...

I really don't quite know what to feel about D and the way she treats Ben. On one hand, I'm quite thankful that she did not scream and run away in fright when she saw Ben's huge, deformed head. However, she was asking all sorts of rude questions about Ben. Although she called him "Cute and sort of different and special", I kinda felt that she was studying him as though he was some sort of weird and fascinating animal in a science lab - and not at all like the adorable baby he was. That's the thing about D you see... She can be so honest that sometimes, I wonder if she has any real human emotions and feelings at all...

On the bright side, Mom and I had a lovely cup of tea and a nice chat that afternoon, after D went off. I could not help noticing that Mom had tidied herself up and put on make-up. Maybe she feels a bit more aware of her own looks after seeing beautiful, gorgeous D... *rolls eyes*

D asked if she could come back to see Ben often. I said yes, but now that I think about it, I'm not quite sure... I mean, I'm glad that she's sort of my friend again, but I don't want her to stare at Ben like he's a science project! What should I do...?

Depressed and Dejected,
Anna Pea-brain

So, this is it.

Like the title says... This is it. I'm finally cleaning out my closet. Everyone at school knows about my brother, Benedict, and the condition that he suffers from. I guess there's no point in trying to keep it a secret.

I'm glad that people have found out. And I'm also glad that everyone has been so nice about it. Thank you, everyone.I have decided to be honest, and to accept that my brother is handicapped. I am going to be proud of him. As such, I have created this blog in order to share with everyone my day-to-day experiences. I hope you will pop by often, because I will be updating!

Cheers,
Anna the Pea-brain